But our knuckles loosen slowly...

I wanted peace. I wanted quiet. I wanted...Silence. 

I wanted to figure out what was wrong. When did I lose the identity I thought I knew? Why was it all so muddled together? 

I went, I went, thought I knew, but then it all wouldn't feel the same. Like a hurricane it would throw me out and then pull me back in. But what was "it"?

I wanted, silence.

But silence didn't give me what I wanted. Sure, in the beginning it sounded like a fix-all. But silence doesn't bring peace. 

But our knuckles loosen slowly.

Only Peace Himself brings peace.

Ephesians 4 English Standard Version (ESV)

Unity in the Body of Christ

4 I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, ² with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, ³ eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. ⁴ There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— ⁵ one Lord, one faith, one baptism, ⁶ one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. ⁷ But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift. ⁸ Therefore it says,

“When he ascended on high he led a host of captives,
    and he gave gifts to men.”

⁹ (In saying, “He ascended,” what does it mean but that he had also descended into the lower regions, the earth? ¹⁰ He who descended is the one who also ascended far above all the heavens, that he might fill all things.) ¹¹ And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, ¹² to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, ¹³ until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, ¹⁴ so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. ¹⁵ Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, ¹⁶ from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

The New Life

¹⁷ Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. ¹⁸ They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. ¹⁹ They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. ²⁰ But that is not the way you learned Christ!— ²¹ assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, ²² to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, ²³ and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
²⁵ Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. ²⁶ Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, ²⁷ and give no opportunity to the devil. ²⁸ Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. ²⁹ Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. ³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹ Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. ³² Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Alyssa

Compulsion

What makes you do what you do? 

What makes you tick?

What makes your lungs fill with the urge to scream for joy?

What, has your heart?

So fragile, so hard, so full, so big, so vast, so beautiful, so deep, so broken, so closed, so wanted, so abused, so strong. . . Such life.

We fight, we scream, we run, we breathe. 

We try our hardest, we push and pull to make the life we've envisioned. What we say-- "But it's so GOOD! Look, no more pain! No more valleys!"--But what we don't see is the edge of the cliff after the clouds, that we're charging towards, full speed ahead.

When I taste Your goodness. . . I shall not want.

Daniel 6 English Standard Version (ESV)

Daniel and the Lions' Den

6 It pleased Darius to set over the kingdom 120 satraps, to be throughout the whole kingdom; ² and over them three high officials, of whom Daniel was one, to whom these satraps should give account, so that the king might suffer no loss. ³ Then this Daniel became distinguished above all the other high officials and satraps, because an excellent spirit was in him. And the king planned to set him over the whole kingdom. ⁴ Then the high officials and the satraps sought to find a ground for complaint against Daniel with regard to the kingdom, but they could find no ground for complaint or any fault, because he was faithful, and no error or fault was found in him. ⁵ Then these men said, “We shall not find any ground for complaint against this Daniel unless we find it in connection with the law of his God.”

⁶ Then these high officials and satraps came by agreement to the king and said to him, “O King Darius, live forever! ⁷ All the high officials of the kingdom, the prefects and the satraps, the counselors and the governors are agreed that the king should establish an ordinance and enforce an injunction, that whoever makes petition to any god or man for thirty days, except to you, O king, shall be cast into the den of lions. ⁸ Now, O king, establish the injunction and sign the document, so that it cannot be changed, according to the law of the Medes and the Persians, which cannot be revoked.” ⁹ Therefore King Darius signed the document and injunction.

¹⁰ When Daniel knew that the document had been signed, he went to his house where he had windows in his upper chamber open toward Jerusalem. He got down on his knees three times a day and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as he had done previously. ¹¹ Then these men came by agreement and found Daniel making petition and plea before his God. ¹² Then they came near and said before the king, concerning the injunction, “O king! Did you not sign an injunction, that anyone who makes petition to any god or man within thirty days except to you, O king, shall be cast into the den of lions?” The king answered and said, “The thing stands fast, according to the law of the Medes and Persians, which cannot be revoked.” ¹³ Then they answered and said before the king, “Daniel, who is one of the exiles from Judah, pays no attention to you, O king, or the injunction you have signed, but makes his petition three times a day.”

¹⁴ Then the king, when he heard these words, was much distressed and set his mind to deliver Daniel. And he labored till the sun went down to rescue him. ¹⁵ Then these men came by agreement to the king and said to the king, “Know, O king, that it is a law of the Medes and Persians that no injunction or ordinance that the king establishes can be changed.”

¹⁶ Then the king commanded, and Daniel was brought and cast into the den of lions. The king declared to Daniel, “May your God, whom you serve continually, deliver you!” ¹⁷ And a stone was brought and laid on the mouth of the den, and the king sealed it with his own signet and with the signet of his lords, that nothing might be changed concerning Daniel. ¹⁸ Then the king went to his palace and spent the night fasting; no diversions were brought to him, and sleep fled from him.

¹⁹ Then, at break of day, the king arose and went in haste to the den of lions. ²⁰ As he came near to the den where Daniel was, he cried out in a tone of anguish. The king declared to Daniel, “O Daniel, servant of the living God, has your God, whom you serve continually, been able to deliver you from the lions?” ²¹ Then Daniel said to the king, “O king, live forever! ²² My God sent his angel and shut the lions' mouths, and they have not harmed me, because I was found blameless before him; and also before you, O king, I have done no harm.” ²³ Then the king was exceedingly glad, and commanded that Daniel be taken up out of the den. So Daniel was taken up out of the den, and no kind of harm was found on him, because he had trusted in his God. ²⁴ And the king commanded, and those men who had maliciously accused Daniel were brought and cast into the den of lions—they, their children, and their wives. And before they reached the bottom of the den, the lions overpowered them and broke all their bones in pieces.

²⁵ Then King Darius wrote to all the peoples, nations, and languages that dwell in all the earth: “Peace be multiplied to you. ²⁶ I make a decree, that in all my royal dominion people are to tremble and fear before the God of Daniel,

for he is the living God,
    enduring forever;
his kingdom shall never be destroyed,
    and his dominion shall be to the end.
²⁷ He delivers and rescues;
    he works signs and wonders
    in heaven and on earth,
he who has saved Daniel
    from the power of the lions.”

²⁸ So this Daniel prospered during the reign of Darius and the reign of Cyrus the Persian.

Alyssa

These are the words. . .

Where do you find your reality when you're not sure what makes it anymore?

What about when you ask, when will it caress my skin again?

When you find yourself staring off the end of a cliff, do you wonder what to do now?

Sit down. Sit down on the edge of that cliff. Let your feet dangle and your lungs breathe and your chest heave.

I want to feel the gravity.

Proverbs 8 New International Version (NIV)

Wisdom’s Call

8 Does not wisdom call out?
    Does not understanding raise her voice?
² At the highest point along the way,
    where the paths meet, she takes her stand;
³ beside the gate leading into the city,
    at the entrance, she cries aloud:
⁴ “To you, O people, I call out;
    I raise my voice to all mankind.
⁵ You who are simple, gain prudence;
    you who are foolish, set your hearts on it.
⁶ Listen, for I have trustworthy things to say;
    I open my lips to speak what is right.
⁷ My mouth speaks what is true,
    for my lips detest wickedness.
⁸ All the words of my mouth are just;
    none of them is crooked or perverse.
⁹ To the discerning all of them are right;
    they are upright to those who have found knowledge.
¹⁰ Choose my instruction instead of silver,
    knowledge rather than choice gold,
¹¹ for wisdom is more precious than rubies,
    and nothing you desire can compare with her.

¹² “I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence;
    I possess knowledge and discretion.
¹³ To fear the Lord is to hate evil;
    I hate pride and arrogance,
    evil behavior and perverse speech.
¹⁴ Counsel and sound judgment are mine;
    I have insight, I have power.
¹⁵ By me kings reign
    and rulers issue decrees that are just;
¹⁶ by me princes govern,
    and nobles—all who rule on earth.
¹⁷ I love those who love me,
    and those who seek me find me.
¹⁸ With me are riches and honor,
    enduring wealth and prosperity.
¹⁹ My fruit is better than fine gold;
    what I yield surpasses choice silver.
²⁰ I walk in the way of righteousness,
    along the paths of justice,
²¹ bestowing a rich inheritance on those who love me
    and making their treasuries full.

²² “The Lord brought me forth as the first of his works,
    before his deeds of old;
²³ I was formed long ages ago,
    at the very beginning, when the world came to be.
²⁴ When there were no watery depths, I was given birth,
    when there were no springs overflowing with water;
²⁵ before the mountains were settled in place,
    before the hills, I was given birth,
²⁶ before he made the world or its fields
    or any of the dust of the earth.
²⁷ I was there when he set the heavens in place,
    when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
²⁸ when he established the clouds above
    and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
²⁹ when he gave the sea its boundary
    so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.  

³⁰     Then I was constantly at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
    rejoicing always in his presence,
³¹ rejoicing in his whole world
    and delighting in mankind.

 
³² “Now then, my children, listen to me;
    blessed are those who keep my ways.
³³ Listen to my instruction and be wise;
    do not disregard it.
³⁴ Blessed are those who listen to me,
    watching daily at my doors,
    waiting at my doorway.
³⁵ For those who find me find life
    and receive favor from the Lord.
³⁶ But those who fail to find me harm themselves;
    all who hate me love death.”

Alyssa

Dear Love. . .

There's this place deep down inside your soul. 

It's a very secret place. 

A very fragile place.

An unknown place that few have the chance to know.

It's a beautiful place.

A place of physicality.

A place that is so real it will leave you gasping for more.

Dear love, how He longs for you to know what it feels like to be alive. 

Dear, love.

Proverbs 16 New International Version (NIV)

16 To humans belong the plans of the heart,
    but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue.

² All a person’s ways seem pure to them,
    but motives are weighed by the Lord.

³ Commit to the Lord whatever you do,
    and he will establish your plans.

⁴ The Lord works out everything to its proper end—
    even the wicked for a day of disaster.

⁵ The Lord detests all the proud of heart.
    Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.

⁶ Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for;
    through the fear of the Lord evil is avoided.

⁷ When the Lord takes pleasure in anyone’s way,
    he causes their enemies to make peace with them.

⁸ Better a little with righteousness
    than much gain with injustice.

⁹ In their hearts humans plan their course,
    but the Lord establishes their steps.

¹⁰ The lips of a king speak as an oracle,
    and his mouth does not betray justice.

¹¹ Honest scales and balances belong to the Lord;
    all the weights in the bag are of his making.

¹² Kings detest wrongdoing,
    for a throne is established through righteousness.

¹³ Kings take pleasure in honest lips;
    they value the one who speaks what is right.

¹⁴ A king’s wrath is a messenger of death,
    but the wise will appease it.

¹⁵ When a king’s face brightens, it means life;
    his favor is like a rain cloud in spring.

¹⁶ How much better to get wisdom than gold,
    to get insight rather than silver!

¹⁷ The highway of the upright avoids evil;
    those who guard their ways preserve their lives.

¹⁸ Pride goes before destruction,
    a haughty spirit before a fall.

¹⁹ Better to be lowly in spirit along with the oppressed
    than to share plunder with the proud.

²⁰ Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
    and blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord.

²¹ The wise in heart are called discerning,
    and gracious words promote instruction.

²² Prudence is a fountain of life to the prudent,
    but folly brings punishment to fools.

²³ The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent,
    and their lips promote instruction.

²⁴ Gracious words are a honeycomb,
    sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

²⁵ There is a way that appears to be right,
    but in the end it leads to death.

²⁶ The appetite of laborers works for them;
    their hunger drives them on.

²⁷ A scoundrel plots evil,
    and on their lips it is like a scorching fire.

²⁸ A perverse person stirs up conflict,
    and a gossip separates close friends.

²⁹ A violent person entices their neighbor
    and leads them down a path that is not good.

³⁰ Whoever winks with their eye is plotting perversity;
    whoever purses their lips is bent on evil.

³¹ Gray hair is a crown of splendor;
    it is attained in the way of righteousness.

³² Better a patient person than a warrior,
    one with self-control than one who takes a city.

³³ The lot is cast into the lap,
    but its every decision is from the Lord.

Alyssa

God in the midst

Joy. 

Floating all around. Don't open your eyes dear one, it might hurt. 

Train tracks, heartbeat, reality seeps. Speak, SPEAK. 

Don't stop spinning dear one. Spin 'round, like a child without a care. Let the joy flow. Oh dear one I plead, don't forget your joy.

And finally dear one, seek God in the midst. He's standing here, arms outstretched. 

{He wants to dance with you.}

Ephesians 3

New International Version (NIV)

God’s Marvelous Plan for the Gentiles

3 For this reason I, Paul, the prisoner of Christ Jesus for the sake of you Gentiles—

² Surely you have heard about the administration of God’s grace that was given to me for you, ³ that is, the mystery made known to me by revelation, as I have already written briefly. ⁴ In reading this, then, you will be able to understand my insight into the mystery of Christ, ⁵ which was not made known to people in other generations as it has now been revealed by the Spirit to God’s holy apostles and prophets. ⁶ This mystery is that through the gospel the Gentiles are heirs together with Israel, members together of one body, and sharers together in the promise in Christ Jesus.

⁷ I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God’s grace given me through the working of his power. ⁸ Although I am less than the least of all the Lord’s people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the boundless riches of Christ, ⁹ and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things. ¹⁰ His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, ¹¹ according to his eternal purpose that he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. ¹² In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. ¹³ I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory.

A Prayer for the Ephesians

¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Alyssa